How Leaders Talk to Themselves
We’ve all heard motivational speakers encourage us to practice “self-talk.” Truth be told, we all do that naturally. It is almost impossible for us to not talk to ourselves, even if it’s silent. Much of our ongoing internal conversation, however, is negative. Most of us are our biggest critic:
What is wrong with me?
That was the dumbest thing I have ever done!
What was I thinking? I cannot believe I said that!
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
If we stop and consider what is really happening, however, we will gain some insight. When we talk like this, we are usually reacting emotionally to what has happened in the moment. We do not practice methodical, logical self-talk. Instead, we are listening to ourselves and then reacting. In reality, self-talk is usually self-listen and reacting.
At one point in my career, I made an important decision. I decided to stop listening to myself and start talking to myself. In most situations, I know what to do. I just need to affirm it and then do it. This prevents me from merely emoting. Put another way, left to our emotional state, we easily slip into negative self-talk. We start getting down on ourselves for being so “stupid” or “accident-prone” or “clumsy.” We all have flaws. Mistakes are part of the human experience.
We can turn this around when we consider how effective leaders talk to themselves.
How One Professional Models the Way
Justin Rose became the number one golfer in the world four years ago. He broke into the golf world at 17 years old in 1998. Justin won the U.S. Open in 2013. He won a gold medal in the men’s individual golf competition at the 2016 Olympics in Rio, and in a sudden-death playoff in the 2018 BMW Championship, Rose climbed to World Number 1 in the Official World Golf Ranking. Everyone recognized him as one of the best golfers in the world.
There is little doubt, Justin Rose has talent.
But he also leads himself well, beginning with his self-talk. A fellow golfer observed this first- hand in 2014. Justin Rose was having a less-than-stellar day on the golf course, but this fellow golfer never saw him get down on himself. In fact, he noticed as Justin missed shots over and over, he always spoke positively—out loud—about his shot and his position on the course:
Wow. I was so close.
Hmm. I am getting better.
I am on a roll.
That was not a bad putt.
I am going to get this soon.
I am moving toward my goal.
I have got this.
He was positive not negative about his mistakes.
How We Nudge Ourselves
Perhaps you are different. Maybe you respond well to harsh, self-criticism. Most people, however, respond much better to encouraging, challenging and positive remarks that push us toward our goal. This does not mean we are in denial. Justin Rose knew exactly what a sand trap felt like when he stood in it, attempting to chip his ball onto the green. But he did not get down on himself, knowing that was not going to help him play his best game. We must be the coach we want for ourselves. That means we give grace, and we encourage ourselves: we literally give ourselves courage.
For me, it was hard learning to do this because it felt so cheesy. So fake. Speaking optimistic and encouraging affirmations to myself felt so different than saying them to someone else. But when I learned to do so, it transformed my life. I believe it will for you, too. For instance, when we feel our nerves act up before a high-stakes moment, why not change the usual language we use when talking to ourselves and to others?
Instead of saying: “I’m nervous.”
Why not say: “I’m excited.”
It’s the same energy inside, just pointed in a positive direction.
Why not find a way that turns the energy toward progress? Assessment is only helpful if it pushes you to a goal. You do not need to punish yourself because you deserve to be penalized. Forget that for a moment and think of the future you want, not the past you just experienced.
Self-talk is your internal dialogue and is influenced by your subconscious mind. It reveals your thoughts, beliefs, questions, ideas, and feelings. Shifting our self-talk from negative to positive requires a choice. Just ask Justin Rose. Yet following his example has proven to lower stress, provide energy, increase satisfaction, reduce pain, and even improve immune function. Those are tangible benefits. The way you talk to yourself creates your reality. Denis Waitley once said, “Relentless repetitive self-talk is what changes our self-image.” I believe you should talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.
Twenty years ago, John Maxwell handed me a huge project to pull off for him. I had worked for him for many years, and he decided it was time to challenge me with a mammoth assignment. It was so big that I questioned whether I was the right person for it. I had never done anything this big before. It required thirteen months of my life, researching, organizing, and writing. One morning, I sat in my basement office, feeling very misplaced. Then it hit me. This project was the ultimate demonstration that John believed in me. Over the hours that followed, I found a new energy. I thought: I respect John’s judgment and if he believes I can do it, then I can do it. Soon, my self-talk changed. I migrated from, “I’m pretty sure I am not the right person for this,” to “I am very sure I’m the right person for this.”
I now enjoy the power of leading myself with my voice. It’s an important part of my life.