Striking a Balance Between Boundaries and Sacrifice
By Tim Elmore
I see a problem today more often than I’ve seen it in the past. It is a collision between mindsets, both of which are essential. They are illustrated in the following story.
Several faculty and staff members were asked to participate in a special project at their school. They were to plan a celebration of the decrease in COVID-19 infections on the campus. The school had experienced no infections (in students or staff) for the entire semester. The administration felt this milestone should be rewarded with a party and some prizes. Initially, everyone involved agreed with great excitement to help make this happen.
One week before the celebration, however, the “wheels came off the wagon.”
Three of the staff members who had significant responsibilities withdrew from participation. They dropped the ball and failed to follow through on what they’d committed to doing for the rest of the team. When the others asked why they all preached the same sermon: “I’ve got to stick to my boundaries.” They went on to say that their mental health had to be “priority one” and doing too much on this project would compromise their mental health. Drop the mic. There was nothing anyone could say in rebuttal. After all, don’t we want everyone to stay well?
Herein lies the collision I mentioned earlier.
A Collision Between Healthy Boundaries and Healthy Teamwork
When someone plays the “boundaries” card, it is a trump card. What can anyone say to a person who declares they need to guard their time and mental health? Today, we all believe in boundaries. Psychologist Henry Cloud even wrote a book on it. On the other hand, those who walked away from the team left others shorthanded, requiring extra work to pull off the project. One group had made a commitment, then dropped it; the other violated their own boundaries to fulfill it. Needless to say, while the team smiled and relieved the quitters of any guilty feelings, those who stayed and made extra sacrifices resented the others who had quit.
So, how do we navigate this dilemma? Both boundaries and sacrifice are noble.
We are living in strange times. People are quitting jobs at an alarming rate. Often, it is the right thing to do. The pandemic forced many organizations to lay off millions of employees and now that the need for workers has increased, many organizations have fewer workers attempting to complete the same amount of work. As millions of teammates are requested to make special sacrifices, it becomes a race to see who can erect boundaries first. Or, they just quit. In a way, quitting is another kind of boundary. I don’t blame anyone for the problem...but it is a problem.
Neither extreme is healthy. You don’t want to make sacrifices to the detriment of your own health, family, and finances, but you don’t want to erect boundaries that require everyone else to make a sacrifice while you don’t. Below are some ideas for steps you can take with others to balance the need to sacrifice with the need for boundaries.
Navigating the Strange Time in Which We Live
1. Plan ahead. Determine your limits upfront if you can.
You can prevent some of these problems by preparing for them. Once you know what boundaries are and set them, you can give yourself fully to your commitment.
2. Have everyone communicate their boundaries ahead of time.
A great rule of thumb is: “Not equal contribution, but equal sacrifice.” Some will do more than others, but everyone should declare boundaries and capabilities.
3. Recognize that any valuable endeavor will require sacrifices.
We must always remember that history is full of people who made amazing sacrifices for the betterment of a worthy cause. Talk about how this is normal.
4. When at your limits, invite others into the problem-solving process.
When you can do no more, don’t impose your boundaries, but expose them. Invite others into the process of helping you finish well but share the load.
5. Remember that balance doesn’t mean “equal,” it means to ebb and flow.
A balanced life is a myth if you feel it means equally distributing your effort all the time. Great projects require big investments, then a time of withdrawal afterward.
6. Consistently clarify what is not your job and what is your job.
This may be most important. Check out the two columns below the next time you “sign up” for an extra project. It will enable you to sacrifice and keep boundaries:
This is My Job
1. To fulfill the commitments I made
2. To make sacrifices with other staff that are fair
3. To go the “extra mile” on your work
4. To add value that compliments the team
5. To act in light of the big picture
6. To be responsible to teammates.
This is Not My Job
1. To fix others who fail to do so
2. To maintain boundaries that are fair
3. To go seven “extra miles” out of guilt
4. To make up for every team weakness
5. To own all mistakes made by others
6. To be responsible for teammates.
The current employee compensation laws have forced our organization to discourage hourly wage earners from working extra hours this fall. We are a non-profit organization that was financially tight during the pandemic, and we wanted to avoid laying anyone off. A handful of our current team took on extra projects and said to me, “You can’t stop me. I want to do this because I care about our mission. Tonight, consider me a volunteer.”
I love that spirit. And thanks to the new team members we’ve hired, we are accomplishing more than we ever have, both impact and income. We talk about boundaries consistently, but we never have to talk about sacrifice. They do that naturally.