Nine Moments to Stay Silent as a Leader
There have been several times over my career I had to learn to be silent. Situations at home, at work or on the road required me—a teacher at heart—to not share an insight but to remain quiet. I recognized silence would achieve more than words. Are you like me?
Ernest Hemingway said it best:
“It takes two years to learn to speak. It takes sixty years to learn to remain silent.”
Our family recently decided to see a counselor to deepen our relationships. We all felt we could use a communication tune-up now that our kids are adults and have moved away. In one session, this hit me again. My daughter was speaking up—which I relished—and I wanted to respond. What I had to add was so accurate. so honest, so helpful. But, alas, I did not. I let her wander verbally and share what she was feeling inside. She needed to feel heard, not informed by her dad.
This is one of the leadership paradoxes we must all face. There is a time to be visible and a time to be invisible as leaders. When we’re visible, we set an example. When we’re invisible, we empower others to step up and take their place. When we’re verbal, people may feel informed and coached. When we are non-verbal, they may just feel heard, understood and even empowered. While I know this is true—it is so difficult for me. What I’ve learned at this stage of my career may feel elementary to you, but let me offer nine reminders about silence. I am not sure who started this, but I’ve added to a set of reminders about when silence is golden.
Nine Places to Stay Silent at All Costs
1️⃣ In the heat of anger.
I’m susceptible to irrationality when I am mad. My amygdala lights up with far more passion than is required. My description? “I begin to kill a roach with a shotgun.”
2️⃣ If you don’t know the whole story.
In our world of low impulse control and quick reactions on social media, I am learning to pull back and wait for more details. There is usually more to the story.
3️⃣ When you feel too emotional.
Emotions are better servants than commanders. When emotions run high, I can say things that may be genuinely felt but, I will likely regret my words or tone.
4️⃣ If you can’t talk without raising your voice.
I want to be heard for the reasonable conclusions I’ve drawn, not because I force my information down their throat. When I raise my voice, I usually shut down my listeners.
5️⃣ In times of grief.
Too often, we can ruin a friend’s moment of grief by talking. Silence allows them to see you feel deeply with them and is wiser than some cliché or pithy wish you might offer.
6️⃣ If your words can offend a person.
Too often, I assume the truth I share offends others. Instead, however, it is I who offended them with my tone or choice of words. Our silence may just make them think.
7️⃣ When someone has misspoken.
This one is tough—but when a person misspeaks, a moment of silence often reveals to them their error. The awkward hush can help them rethink their statement.
8️⃣ If the topic is worthless.
Today, people frequently engage in topics that are downright ridiculous and don’t deserve our words. It’s best to remain silent, and in doing so, we comment on its hollow value.
9️⃣ If your words can destroy a relationship.
A sense of community can be damaged so quickly. In a debate, ask what you value more: the person you’re speaking with or the words you wish to speak? People are what matters.
Sometimes, our silence can save the bonds we enjoy with someone. In a letter to Joshua Speed, who disagreed with him on slavery, Abraham Lincoln said: “If for this we must differ, differ we must.” Yet he signed it, “Your friend forever, A. Lincoln.” He didn’t let differences harm the friendship. His silence later won Joshua Speed over to serve in the Union cause. I have chuckled more than once over Lincoln’s own remark on silence:
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”