Stop Being a Martyr. It Kills Everything.
Not long ago, I put my finger on one growing reason why our world is so divided. It certainly explains the polarization of political debates, the rage on social media and the cancel culture we see so often.
Everyone seems to feel like a victim of someone else. Then they start acting like a martyr.
On a large scale, consider the war between Hamas and Israel. Anyone who knows a little about Middle Eastern history understands that this war didn’t start with a shooting at a festival on Oct. 7, 2023. The battle has been going on for centuries. Even millenniums. So, when Hamas gunned down 1,200 Jewish citizens, the Israeli army retaliated in force. Perhaps too much force. More than 30,000 Palestinians are now dead. Yet, both sides believe they’re the martyr. Palestinians believe Israel stole a bunch of land from them years ago. Israelis believe they were declared an official nation again in 1948, and the land is theirs, free and clear.
When we can’t agree on the facts, we begin to see ourselves as victims.
The Problem with Victims and Martyrs
I recognize there are some who are genuine victims, and even martyrs in many places. People have been attacked, harmed, and even lost their lives. What I’m warning against is how some react to hardship or opposition. When people begin acting like martyrs, they begin a downward spiral that makes life worse for them and for everyone around them. Have you been around people who feel like a victim and act like a martyr? At first, you may feel sorry for them. After a few minutes, however, their negativity is a turnoff. Their inability to move forward is draining. Their outward blame and shame are repulsive.
The next phase is fragility. Victims and martyrs feel triggered rather quickly. They want trigger warnings against anything that might be offensive or that might cause angst. Universities are filled with such people. While I am not advocating for incivility, I am saying we’ve become fragile instead of agile as a society. Want proof? We live among the first generation of people that began at the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs. Do you remember Abraham Maslow’s pyramid in psychology class? He taught us that people have innate needs that begin at the bottom of the pyramid, and as they are met, we climb higher in our appetite for progress.
Consider kids born over the last 20 to 30 years. They are the first generations that, for the most part, didn’t worry about shelter, food, or whether they’ll even have shoes to wear. There is still poverty, of course, but even the poverty lines are different than a century ago and the access to help is much greater today. A hundred years ago, people were living in the shadow of the Spanish Flu pandemic, the Great Depression, and then World War II. My aunt, uncle and parents were among them. Their worries were not how they appeared on a social media post or how many “likes” they got from that post. Their thoughts surrounded sharing a pair of socks or shoes or if they could find a job and sometimes their next meal.
Even when I was growing up, my mother would save our napkins after a meal and pin them up on the clothesline to dry so we could use them at our next meal. It was a habit she’d learned during the 1930s. This habit cultivated a spirit of gratitude instead of a sense of entitlement. And most of them weren’t “triggered” by the hardship. They simply learned life skills to cope. Their coping skills were superior to coping mechanisms. Compared to our experience today—it’s disheartening.
Yesterday and Today
As kids grow up today, millions of them begin at the tip of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs, so their needs, wants and worries are different. Most are not worried about shelter or food. Sadly, because they begin so high on the hierarchy, too many haven’t grown thick skin, deep work ethic or internal motivation on the job. The perspective, skills and grit that naturally come with navigating lower levels (at the base of the pyramid) are not developed. This is but one reason some kids today stress out over the most mundane issues.
What’s more, consider the hours we spend today on leisure and entertainment. At the dawn of the 20th century, people did enjoy some entertainment (on stage or a movie screen), but the time and money we spent was a fraction of what we spend today. When I look at the data, I believe part of our problem with an uncivil society and with mental health issues is we spend too much time seeking pleasure and not enough time on redemptive activities in service to others. Instead, we want to be happy and stimulated. To me, it begins smelling like immaturity.
So, how can we respond to the day in which we live?
First, regardless of how much you’ve been victimized, don’t allow it to control your outlook. Acknowledge it (don’t deny it), but carrying a martyr mindset into your future can ruin you. My injuries, my lost jobs, my plane crash, and my type one diabetes I acquired in 1980 do not define me. They refine me. Because I want a hopeful future, I make my “mess” my “message.”
Second, don't spend too much time around someone whose primary way of engaging with life is as a martyr. When suffering becomes your identity, you only see the hard parts of life. Choose to spend your best time with those who have risen above their hardships. You will become the middle of the five people with whom you choose to spend the most time.
Third, look outward after looking inward. Self-awareness is a means to an end. Social awareness is vital to finding where you belong in the world. See the people who need to be served and the problems that need to be solved, and you’ll be amazed how alive you can become. You’re not a martyr, after all.