What I’m Thinking a Week After Another School Shooting
Tragic. Grieving. Outraged. It feels like deja vu, doesn’t it? A young teen once again walked onto a school campus with a rifle and committed a mass shooting. Four people dead, nine others wounded. 14-year-old Colt Gray was arrested shortly after he murdered teachers and students at Apalachee High School, in Winder Georgia. The 14-year-old suspect has been charged with four counts of felony murder.
What’s interesting is—a day later, Colt’s father was also charged with crimes. Colin Gray, 54, is being charged with four counts of involuntary manslaughter, two counts of second-degree murder and eight counts of cruelty to children, the GBI said.
Wait, what?
Why would our legal system charge the dad when he didn’t literally commit the crime? Let me suggest a few reasons why there was at least negligence on his part as a parent:
There were social media posts on Discord linked to the teen that hinted he wanted a gun at school. In fact, they were so disturbing that the GBI investigated them.
Colt had shown signs of mental illness over the years, yet sufficient steps weren’t taken by a parent or anyone to ensure he was safe, both to himself and to others.
While his dad said Colt didn’t have access to guns without supervision, that’s exactly what happened on this day. The teen grabbed a gun and began his spree.
The gun used in the shooting, an AR-style weapon, was bought by this father as a Christmas gift for his son, even after the mental health issues were known.
Colt’s mother said that she called the school on the morning of the shooting and warned a counselor about an “extreme emergency.”
In a real sense, this dad was an accomplice. He committed another crime. While we don’t know all the facts, it was either negligence or downright abuse. I recognize these are strong words, but I am musing about what we can learn a week after this horrible incident.
Too Much and Too Little
While there are millions of healthy, high functioning parents in our world today, there are a growing number of parents and guardians who don’t know how to lead kids. This story serves as a cautionary tale for us. Colin Gray’s first two “crimes” were these:
He was an under-functioning parent. By this I mean he was distracted from leading his son the way he needed to be led. He didn’t read the signs his son was sending, was absent or negligent in his son’s 8th and 9th grade years, and his son was desperate for guidance, guidelines and guardrails. Colt was a hazard under his dad’s nose.
He was an over-functioning parent. By this I mean, he did too much for his son, perhaps desiring to be a buddy, by giving Colt a gun he was not mentally ready for and other privileges or freedoms he enjoyed. Maybe he was overcompensating. Parents can feel they lack “know-how” and overdo things to make up for what they lack.
This is a deadly combination for us in our homes. We do too little where we need to be doing more and do too much where we need to do less and allow our kids to go without. Here is the most common place I see this “too much and too little” each year:
We fear for our kids’ safety, so we keep them inside, not letting them take appropriate risks and fall, fail or forget something for school. Supervising too much can hinder our children’s maturation. Unsupervised outside play, for example, is part of the growing up process. Instead, we over-function and control the elements. We risk too little and rescue too quickly.
On the other hand, we do too little for our kid’s safety online. This is where a greater danger of bullying exists and for predators to have their way. So many kids are in spaces on social media or on websites, interacting with sites controlled by algorithms that foster addiction, predators and mental health problems.
Ironically, I believe the access to social media and portable devices we give to children is a little like giving them a weapon. Just like Colt should not have a gun in his hands at his age, our kids should not have access to these devices so early. Yet, we like how it preoccupies them. It’s like a babysitter or a pacifier. And it makes them like us.
Can You Stand Being Disliked?
Too often, adults cannot stand the thought of being disliked by their children. They don’t want to be unpopular or too hard on them, or anything except a friend to their kids. Millions want to be a pal rather than a parent. I’m not sure if Colin was guilty of this, but it appears to be true. As I examine his story, there were many reasons (including a divorce and broken family) that explain his mistakes. But they are mistakes, nonetheless. Too often, we forget how and when kids’ brains develop. We confuse knowledge with maturity. Because today’s Gen Z kids know so much at such young ages, we mistakenly assume they’re mature enough to handle the information they’ve been exposed to. Neuroscientists remind us there is a huge difference between knowing something and being mature enough to manage what we know. Sociologist Tony Campolo once said:
❝I don’t think we live in a generation of bad kids. We live in a generation of kids who know too much, too soon.❞
—Tony Campolo
Remember—the first person we must lead is ourselves and the first place we must lead is our homes. Our world depends on us to get this right.